Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting [Formato Kindle]

As is the case with many books comparing American parenting styles with that of other countries, some potential readers have felt opinionated - even defensive - before even buying the book.While I certainly haven't concluded that French parenting is "right" and American parenting is "wrong", this intriguing book deserves a fair chance - one obtained by reading it - but some initial "reviews" were written by people who simply refused to read a book comparing American and French parenting techniques.

So what will will you find in Bringing Up Bebe? What makes this one worth a look?

To start with, the author, Pamela Druckerman, does not come off as someone who is crazy about France, let alone French parenting - at first. As she writes early on, "I'm not even sure I like living here" although she does change her tune later. She came to her opinions about French parenting slowly and she backs up her main points with plenty of research studies as well as techniques she learned from French parents and parenting authorities. As a result she concludes that "the French have managed to be involved without becoming obsessive. " They aren't waiting on their kids hand and foot and they don't assume that they have to push their children to succeed. Even so, she notes that she hadn't thought she was supposed to admire French parenting. So consider her a reluctant convert to French methods of parenting.

Druckerman observes that there doesn't appear to be a relentless drive to get babies and children to various lessons or such activities as early swimming lessons. A neighbor was content to let her children simply find ways to play, often with old toys or perhaps by exploring her outdoor environment.

Meals are also handled differently with set times for eating and with children being expected to exert enough self-control to wait hours in between meals. Vegetables, varied types of cheese, and other foods American kids might snub are not only served but actually eaten.

Then there are the studies. They are certainly food for thought and perhaps some spirited debate. One study notes that mothers in Columbus, Ohio find child care twice as unpleasant as mothers in Rennes, France. There is the University of Texas study that concludes that French mothers aren't concerned with accelerating their children's cognitive development or academic achievement. Instead, they are comfortable with letting their kids simply be children while they still can. The author cites another study which indicates that 90 percent of fifteen-year-olds eat their main meal with their parents - compared to 67 percent of those in the United States.

The author took detailed notes as she observed French parents. She learns that they expect their babies to start sleeping through the night within no more than a few months - or even in the first month. They ask Druckerman if her baby is "doing her nights" (sleeping through the night).

Admittedly, a certain number don't...but a fair number do because their parents use "the Pause" , not responding immediately to a baby's cries. When Druckerman tries using "the Pause" her own baby starts sleeping through the night, although...to be fair...she does wait until her baby is more than a few months old, unlike the French parents she describes.

Even infant mortality rates are lower in France, 57 percent lower than in America. There is an emphasis on a calm pregnancy and not eating too much. This doesn't mean starving but an overly obese mother isn't necessarily serving a baby's health. I won't stress this point too much because there could be many other factors that determine the possible difference in infant mortality rates between one country and another.

To sum it up, the author has discovered the "wisdom" of French parenting and has written a book that seems to be aimed at imparting that wisdom to American readers. Druckerman also seems to be encouraging parents to try and change the way American parents perceive children,to not base their lives so much around the kids. To be clear, the parenting advice here is centered on children, not teenagers, as French teenagers are given more freedom but in Druckerman's view also seem to have less cause to rebel.

I did have some issues with this book. The first chapter has far too much info about Druckermans' career before moving to France as well as her time meeting and dating her husband-to-be. This takes up an entire chapter. I wanted to get to the parenting observations more quickly. The book consists mostly of personal observations and Druckerman's parenting experiences which are also peppered with interviews with such people as the French "Doctor Spock" as well as other experts. I'm sure it will be controversial and from what I've seen and read it already is. Even so, this book deserves to be judged based on its contents.

I am an active father of young kids. So, when I read the excerpt in the Wall Street Journal, I found Druckerman's thoughts about parenting squared with mine: does parenting really need to be an obsessive, combative and all-consuming endeavor? Is there another way in which parents can be fully committed to our children, teach them independence and even enjoy ourselves a bit.

I picked up the book and devoured it. The writing is highly approachable and even a bit funny. This is not a "how-to" book. It is a series of informed observations about how Parisians approach parenting. Druckerman shares anecdotes and then supports them with some research. There are no magic tricks; just a shift in behavior and approach that the author shares with us. Some of it makes great sense, for example, The Pause and Education instead of Discipline.

Even in the highly connected and flat world, observational skills and analysis of what may right in front of us can force us to reconsider what we do. Druckerman delivers a thoughtful, thought provoking and entertaining book.

I have to admit that I did not immediately want to read this book, since the article version I read online seemed very different from my own views about parenting. But my father bought it and lent it to me, and it turned out to be a very entertaining and easy read. Druckerman does a fabulous job building a narrative out of her experience and weaving together personal anecdotes with strong research. As a work of non-fiction, it is highly enjoyable to read and thought provoking.

However, there is no question this book will also be read as a "parenting book" rather than just a "book about parenting." And, it does, at points, venture into "parenting book" territory, even though Druckerman never uses the imperative tense or claims ultimate authority. But, she does consistently present "French parenting" in a very positive light, and in every contrast to American examples, French examples come out ahead. I have very little experience with this culture myself, so I certainly can't judge how consistent this parenting style actually is, so I have to take her word for that. It wouldn't surprise me that a centralized European nation would have a more consistent parenting style than the mish mash of approaches here in the states. Given that "French parenting" is always presented within a very reasonable seeming paradigm of success, there is definitely a feeling of "this is a very good way to do things" throughout.

And, certainly, the ideas that overlap with successful parenting in the U.S. (often called "authoritative" parenting in the states) seem good. As a vegetable farmer, I especially loved the chapter about food and how to help our kids learn to enjoy a wide range of flavors -- so refreshing that parents aren't coercing kids into eating vegetables for their "health" and instead expect them to do so out of enjoyment!

But some of the cultural notions struck me as more negative than Druckerman allowed in her exploration. A few examples that stood out to me: the 99% (or so) epidural rate, the low breastfeeding rate, and the emphasis on infant/child independence from birth. The lack of natural births in France (or even the opportunity to choose one) is treated as very sensible (meanwhile, to the north in the Netherlands -- also a sensible country -- over a quarter of all births occur without medication at home). Druckerman mulls over the lack of breastfeeding for a few paragraphs but it's a minor exploration of what seems like a very big thing to me.

But the idea that even newborn babies need to start being independent from parents struck me as especially ... off? Scary? Potentially damaging? Going against instinct? I tried to keep an open mind when reading these bits, and the reasoning in the book is compelling (babies sleeping through the night at 3 months is always compelling!). But, from my reading elsewhere, most of the current science of infant development points to different conclusions about human newborns.

The human newborn/mother connection is strongly supported by biology on many counts. So, the idea that "the pause" (wherein a mother waits 5 minutes or so before respond to nighttime crying) is a good and scientific-based thing is hard for me to swallow -- I couldn't help thinking of how hard it would be to do as a new mom. When I first became a mother, I felt strong physical and instinctual desire to hold my baby as much as possible and be near him and care for him at night -- I didn't do it because I felt it was "good" for him; it was truly my #1 desire, and I think that is the result of strong and successful bonding. (Interestingly, there is a world famous French OB, Michel Odent, who worries very much about the role medicated birth plays in French mothers lack of bonding to their babies. He talks at length about the "love hormones" that are released during an unmedicated birth and how essential they are for creating those necessary human attachments. He wasn't mentioned in the book.)

That being said, I do think the French (according to Druckerman) are right in believing that children need to be treated as people from birth and allowed opportunities for autonomy -- but in my experience children begin pushing for that when they are ready. We as parents can then respond appropriately. Overall, I was struck by how much of the book focused on detaching from our children rather than bonding with them in appropriate ways and then letting them push off from us by giving them space. Even though Druckerman tells us so-and-so-mother is a warm, nurturing mother, the examples and emphasis is often on being apart or not interacting in playful ways. I couldn't help wondering when French parents and children PLAY together ... maybe they don't?

I would wholly agree that the American style of parenting she describes seems unhealthy in another extreme. Kids obviously need to their own space to develop as people. However, as a mother of a toddler, I rarely see the American extremes she describes -- but I don't live in New York City so maybe parents in my rural community are less anxious and less "helicopter"-like. We can have dinners with friends and have adult conversations, but we also like a good parent-child racing game at a party (especially since often for the dads this social time is also weekend family time). Because of my own experience, I couldn't help feeling like her "American parent" was a bit of a "strawman" in this argument. Since the American parenting seems exaggerated in its anxiousness and lack of control, I have to also wonder ultimately how much of the French examples are exaggerated too (or, at least, are the good examples that stood out once Druckerman started observing the perceived differences).

In closing, I would recommend this book if someone wants a good read and is curious about how France parents its children. I can honestly say I will be mulling over some of these ideas ones for a while (especially the ones that push on my own existing understandings of babies and children). It was also good to have some of my own weaknesses as a parent brought to light by contrast -- I have begun trying to "educate" my two year-old son in how to be patient, and it has already helped both of us get through the day calmer.

But, if a reader is interested in some different evidence based views on babies and their need for connection, I recommend Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent and/or Attached at the Heart: 8 Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children. Also, it's not my favorite book in the world (in part because it's a challenging read), but The Continuum Concept: In Search Of Happiness Lost (Classics in Human Development) is a classic example of another very successful parenting culture that has embraced a different set of values (when it comes to infancy at least).

ETA: I recently read French Kids Eat Everything: How Our Family Moved to France, Cured Picky Eating, Banned Snacking, and Discovered 10 Simple Rules for Raising Happy, Healthy Eaters. I would highly recommend it to folks who are interested in French parenting. It is also a very delightful read and goes into way more detail about how the French think about food and parenting. As a "parenting book," I even found it useful and was inspired to make some major and minor changes in my son's eating habits (most notably cutting way back on the non-stop flow of snacks to encourage him to eat more at meals -- it worked!). This book is also a tad more critical of French culture (when appropriate), which was refreshing after reading Bringing Up Bebe.